Special.

I've always been especially afraid of having a child with special needs. I've looked at other parents in that situation, and wondered--how do they do it? Parenting in and of itself is plenty difficult--when a kid needs more, everything is more, harder, and longer.

Because of my faith, I believe that God talks to people. This can be a dramatic incident, but usually it's just a feeling or a thought or a collection of circumstances that helps you to see something differently. I had a few of these experiences before e was born--some of them before I even knew I was pregnant:

First, I took I and E to a little music event at Barnes and Noble.  One of the songs went something like this "I may not look or learn just like you. My voice may not sound just like yours does. But I have feelings just like you, so smile and say hello." During that song, I experienced the feeling I have learned is one of the ways God talks to me. I didn't understand exactly what he was trying to say at that point, but when I arrived home that same day, our new church magazine had arrived. There were three separate stories about children with special needs--two written by parents and one by a sibling. That feeling again. I began to worry. Days later, I learned I was pregnant. "Oh, boy." I thought.

Things progressed, ultrasounds were had, frightful things said by doctors. When we first heard the news, I was frightened, but I found myself completely unsurprised. I wasn't sure how I was going to handle whatever was coming--I felt totally overwhelmed parenting my two other children already. It was a long process to get to a place of peace and acceptance, but it did come.

Another time before e was born--I don't know if it was before or after I learned of the pregnancy--we were visiting the aquarium and I saw in the cafeteria a girl--maybe about 17 or 18--who was in a wheelchair and entirely dependent on others. I noticed that her hair was neatly braided, and someone (perhaps her mother?) was lovingly and carefully feeding her with a spoon. The girl had some trouble keeping the food in her mouth, and each time some spilled out the person feeding her would gently wipe her clean again, never allowing her to remain a mess--and she seemed very happy to be doing so. The feeling again.

In a general conference session just after e's birth, this quote was read twice: “some of the sweetest spirits are housed in frail frames^" In our scriptures, it is written: "Remember the ^aworth of ^bsouls is great in the sight of God" I am beginning to get it. My perspective has changed/is changing.  I am aware now of being afforded a privilege in this. I hope I can be worthy of it.